It Hurts

My heart hurts today. I feel like a bad mom through and through. Yesterday we sent Taylor to day care for a full day. I dropped her off at 7am and picked her up at 5:30pm. She usually gets picked up at 1:30pm. I felt so bad. My little girl spent 10 1/2 hours with someone else. I love our babysitter but it still hurt. I looked at my clock while sitting at my desk and thought "this is usually the time someone would be picking her up". Then I prayed that she wouldn't think someone forgot about her. I know she is too young to think this or even realize she normally goes home at that time but I still felt bad.

Last night Taylor and I had some good quality time. We played, took a bath, goofed around. Just me and her. Everyone else was at work, getting ready to go to work or taking care of others. I admit, I did get really frustrated. She pushed her limits a lot. She got a hi-liter and started coloring her foot bright neon yellow. She tried coloring on her arms and clothes with pen. She insisted I hold her and threw a fit when I tried putting her down. She never listened when I told her no.

But when we were laying in bed sleeping, one of the worst noises woke me up. She was throwing up. My poor little baby was sick. It was a mess. It smelt bad, was in her hair, all over her clothes, the bed. Everywhere. DJ was at work so I woke up grandma and had her help me clean her up. I had to hop in the shower with her and she cried for a good 30 minutes. I wanted to cry with her. It was a cry I never see or hear from her - the kind that shatter your heart into a million pieces because you know your child is truely in pain. Her body was shaking, she was hurting and so was I.

DJ and I experienced this once before around Christmas. It was sad then too. I think this time hurt more because I had to text DJ about it and even though I knew he was really consoling Taylor last time, he was consoling me too (he didn't know it though). It helps having someone by your side for stuff like this.

Taylor and I slept in the living room. She curled up on the chair and I laid on the couch. It took forever to fall asleep and even then it wasn't a deep sleep. I flinched at every noise. I wanted to make sure she was ok and if she woke up she knew I was there. Eventually she made her way over to me. We cuddled on the couch and watched cartoons at 2am. Sounds like I was really there for her right?

Here's why I feel like a bad mom. I wanted to be home with her all day. I wanted to make sure she was cuddled, pampered and babied since I am sure she still isn't feeling great. But I couldn't call into work. DJ works 12 hour shifts at night and is still really sick. I knew it would be hard for him to stay up with Taylor all day and get some rest. She wasn't acting sick this morning so we sent her to day care. I feel bad. I feel like I abandoned my sick little girl and pushed her off on someone else for them to take care of her.

I hope these are still just 'new' mom feelings. But I don't think I am even considered a 'new' mom anymore. . .